I think a lot of times we pin our misfortunes on bad luck or lack of fairness, or people doing things that make our lives harder. However, oftentimes our life circumstances are the result of our own habits. The other day I was thinking about what those habits that are holding us back actually look like, and three things that people unknowingly do, to one degree or another, to sabotage themselves immediately came to mind.
This list isn’t all inclusive. There are plenty of other habits that I’ll likely touch on in the future but today I’d like to highlight the following three.
1. Forgetting to enjoy life and live in the present
Chances are that you’ve made some mistakes in the past. Or perhaps certain labels have been placed on you that you’ve attached to your present-day identity. The truth this that we all have things in our past that we wish we didn’t. We all have had experiences, positive and negative, that have left a mark on us and played a role in creating who we are today.
But the past is not today. We have no control over it. We cannot change it, so the next best thing that we can do is learn from it and leverage those experiences to propel us forward by knowing how to better navigate through life.
The problem lies in dwelling so much on the past that it prohibits present day growth. This applies to holding on to past mistakes and identities that make us doubt our abilities and even feel like a fraud or an imposter in some situations. It also applies to constantly reminiscing on “better days” when maybe things in your life were on point, but now maybe life isn’t as great, so you try to force your past memories to replace your present-day existence.
On the flip side, you may also be constantly thinking about the future, obsessing over some goal or some type of lifestyle that you’re aspiring to reach. It’s great to have goals and aspirations. In fact, you absolutely should, but where a lot of people go off the rails when they put so much hope on a future that may never manifest that it becomes impossible to actually enjoy the day-to-day experiences of life.
I hear a lot of people casually throw the word “anxiety” around as if it is some sort of genetic or normal thing to experience. I would argue that the mass scale of anxiety that we are seeing today boils down to the inability to be present and experience life as it comes, and focusing too much on future events that are beyond our control.
Learn from the past and move on. Plan for the future, but don't think about it too much. And enjoy life one day at a time. It will put you in a much better mental space.
2. Indecisiveness
In my opinion indecisiveness is one of the most self-defeating qualities that a person can have if they are really trying to improve themselves and make the most out of life. Admittedly, this is the one that I need to work on the most.
Indecisiveness, not being able to pick a course of action and move forward with it means that whatever hopes, dreams, and aspirations that you have will forever be a fantasy that you will never see come to life. I cannot begin to tell you how many people have great business ideas or a desire to make major career or lifestyle changes, but spend months, years even, going back and forward between the pros and cons.
Failing to simply make a decision, and then moving forward with it unapologetically, is a 100% guaranteed recipe for achieving nothing. It is a sure way to not realize your own potential and leave yourself in a position where the world is making decisions for you, so that other people can live their best lives at your expense. It represents mediocrity at its best, and it is the reality that most people live because it is the path of least resistance. That’s not the position that you want to be in.
Indecisiveness stems from the fear of consequences. People are driven to indecision thanks to the fear of living with the consequences of making the wrong decision more so than the desire to reap the rewards of making the right decision. And oddly enough the more options you have, the more indecisive you are likely to be. They call this the "paradox of choice", and the problem with it is that it makes us focus way too much energy and brain power on contemplating all of the different scenarios that could play out. This robs us of the opportunity to go all in on one option and maximize output because we have the energy and mental clarity to do so.
Being decisive is a form of minimalism. The word “decide” comes from Latin, and literally means “to cut off.” So, when you make decisions, you are making a conscious choice to no longer have certain options available to you. Whether it’s job opportunities, dating, or choosing what to eat for dinner.
The decision to have one option rather than many gives us clear paths forward in life so that we can focus on taking action, learning, and course correcting where needed. Or perhaps we realize that we did in fact make the wrong decision, but now we at least have the valuable feedback that we never would have received had we not been decisive and taken action accordingly. This feedback will serve you well.
3. Chasing happiness instead of following your purpose and seeking fulfillment
If you’re doing what most people do, then you are chasing happiness by basing all of your decisions in life on the drive to avoid pain and discomfort, while also seeking out pleasure as much as possible. The problem with this is that it can lead us down an aimless and purposeless path towards temporary gratification and nothing more.
I’m going to be honest here. If your goal in life is to be excellent, to be the best version of yourself and realize your fullest potential, then chasing happiness for the sake of being happy is simply not a noble pursuit. In fact, it’s the status quo marker of an unintentional life. You may have already found through your own personal experiences that instant gratification is usually incongruent with the things that will bring deeper meaning and fulfillment to your life.
For example, the excitement of spending money on a new Mercedes Benz is likely to make it harder to achieve the financial freedom that buys you time to pursue your passions. Eating a jelly donut for breakfast every morning may feel amazing at the time, but it prevents you from the deep satisfaction that comes from looking and feeling amazing while enjoying better health and a higher quality of life.
You may have heard of Viktor Frankl, but if you haven’t, he was a prisoner in Auschwitz concentration camp during WW2. He watched countless men around him give up hope and eventually die. But he also witnessed others persist through the worst of times, himself included.
After he was freed, he eventually wrote the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” where he talks about how important it is to focus one’s life on a greater purpose that’s bigger than himself, and how only when things happen in this way a person will experience true happiness as a natural byproduct of a purposeful life.
In his words, “happiness cannot be pursued. It must ensue.”
Seeking fulfillment on the other hand, brings that deep sense of satisfaction when you slog through challenges and difficult times to overcome the odds and achieve something that’s meaningful to you. When you have a greater purpose that’s aligned with a fulfilling life, you have everything you need to endure the pain, suffering, and discomfort that comes with the challenges of pursuing greatness – whatever that means to you.
And oddly enough, the process of going through challenges that are aligned with your values, and coming out on the other side will also make you happier.